Monday, April 17, 2017

Most Recent Trial

How do you give up something good now for something better or best in the future? How do you exercise that faith to let one thing go when the next thing hasn't come along yet?

That's where I'm at. I have mostly given up someone, trying to move on, and yet I am reminded of the good parts. I believe there is someone better or best for me, but I must be willing to let go of the good before that person comes into my life.

It's been difficult. However, I have been inspired to do some things that help me to overcome these longing feelings of the past. One was to write one letter every day for five days (about 30 minutes each time) about everything I was feeling. I wasn't planning on giving the letters to the person I'm trying to move on from, but after a few days, the impression came very clearly. I sent them in the mail.

Another thing that has helped me to move on was to make a list of the things I really appreciated about our relationship and then things I really didn't like or didn't want to repeat in my next relationship. These items were less about him and more about me, at least the negative ones were.

It has been confirmed to me recently by other women that we might feel a certain way. and then the guy feels a different way. What's important is to stay true to what you feel, even if you don't have anyone else who agrees with you. A standard for one might not be the same standard for another. One of the things I want to do better in my next relationship is to hold myself more accountable and be more faithful to my inner compass, to stop doing things I know are wrong (even if the impression is subtle) and to be more valiant in the things I know are right and good and safe.

I guess they say the best way to mourn/get over the loss of a faithful old dog is to get a puppy. While I'm sure the distraction is great, I don't have too many puppies available, and I'm not sure throwing all my previous baggage into a new relationship is a good idea, but I can at least focus my energy in other pursuits, like starting up my business.

And can I just say that working through this relationship has been really helpful for me learning to love myself? I have learned recently that there is a natural me: the selfish, childish, slothful, frustrated, depressed, forgetful and underdeveloped me. There is also a spiritual me: refined, merciful, benevolent, loving, patient, caring, and longsuffering. I have been prompted lately to allow the spiritual me to minster to the natural me. I permit her to come, and she comes down to my level, shows compassion, and encourages me to try again, or to keep crying as long as I need to, but that it is better to not get so hung up on these bumps in the road.

In reality, my spiritual self is only made possible by Jesus Christ. I can't ever hope to be benevolent and longsuffering if it wasn't for His example. I am thankful that He loves me, even in this very imperfect state. He loves me until I'm perfect, like Him.

Though at times I would like to be rid of this trial I can't seem to shake, I really have come a long way, and I would be ungrateful not to notice the progress or divine assistance that has been given to me.

Now that I see the blessings of being ministered to in my affliction, I might actually get to the point where I ask for hard things. I'm still trepidatious about asking for trials, but I do see the necessity--and the great benefit--that come from experiencing hardships in order to come to know Christ and to be refined in the process.