Brad (name has been changed) and I became friends when I moved back home almost two years ago. It took a year for us to consider dating. We did date, and then I decided to move to Utah. I did not slow down or prepare for the transition at all, which made it very hard to be in another state while the person I cared about the most was at home. He came to visit after three months of me being away, and I was extremely anxious in preparation. After a few hours of being on edge in his presence, I loosened up when I could feel that his sentiments of support and encouragement hadn't changed.
After a couple of months of emotional limbo, I decided to write one letter every day for 5 consecutive days. The letters were addressed to him, but I wasn't intending to send them to him. The letters were to get out all of my thoughts and concerns as a way of trying to let him go. It helped me process what I was feeling and look to the future instead of only looking back. I said goodbye to him.
When I was done writing, I wrapped up the papers and stuck them in my closet. After a couple of weeks, though, the thought flashed in my head that maybe I should send Brad the letters. As soon as I had that thought, the Spirit told me I should. I cried.
I realize now that those letters were me saying goodbye to Brad as my lover; a couple months later, the Lord told me that I should preserve this friendship. I was nervous about that, but I proceeded.
I didn't see Brad again until July when I went back home. My thoughts were tumultuous. As I was around him and I saw what had been familiar to me, I considered moving back home to 'make it work,' but when I thought about going farther than just friends, I didn't feel balanced. We spent an evening together in which I made unwise choices. I didn't feel good. But then the last night, we had really agreed that we would be friends, and our physicality expressed that. It was good. It was right. And I was so thankful to have it. And so I went back to Utah and moved forward.
Last week, I was talking with my good friend here, and based off my reactions and the way I talked about him, she told me that I still had strong feelings for Brad. At first, I didn't want to admit it, but now I see that I do. I don't want to let him go.
But an interesting shift has happened: instead of focusing on what Brad has given me and the blessing I feel from interacting with him, I'm starting to think about what he really wants. I know he loves and cares about me and finds fulfillment in serving and helping me, but what would he choose if I wasn't so attached? Would he choose me if my reaction had no influence on his decision?
I am now able to see him more objectively. And I want him to make this decision for himself. I will not try to manipulate his choice, and if he does not choose me, I will not resist.
I told him on the phone yesterday that I see him as more than a friend. I guess what I wanted to know was if he felt the same way. I told him if I had only seen him as a friend, then I wouldn't have gotten jealous when he shared with me certain details about his social life that involve other women. I asked if he felt that same way about me dating up here. He said no. In fact, he wholeheartedly supports my dating life. I understood more clearly that he does, in fact, only see me as a friend, and that he is not interested in pursuing anything else with me.
He said he didn't want to hurt me and that he still loves me. I know. This might even be the best way of telling someone that you're not interested in them. And yet, how do I honor that truth? What will be my reaction? How do I let something go that's not completely wrong for me? What will be the best decision to make that honors both of our feelings?
I must act according to my truth. Yet I haven't figured out what that action will be yet. I'm still accepting the truth: a subtle surrender. A quiet resignation.
No comments:
Post a Comment